On Live Performances

My other half and I were visiting a friend in London. Said friend said "There's some really good shows on at the moment, you should try and catch one while you're down." We both nodded enthusiastically; "Yeah, yeah, we'll certainly do that..."

When the friend left the room, other half whispered "I never want to go and see a show in the West End... EVER." It was then that I knew we were meant to be together.

I hate going to the theatre. I hate going to 'gigs' and the thought of seeing a stand-up comic makes my blood run cold. Observe my reasons with your eyes:

a)There is always the risk of audience participation, the thought of which makes me want to tear off all my skin.

b) I always stand next to people who spend the entire performance either singing tunelessly in my ear or screaming the name of the band/performer over and over and over : "S-IGUR ROOOOS! SIGUR-ROOOOS! SIIIIIIGUUUUR ROOOOOOOOS!", "GRAHAM FROM BLUR! GRAHAM FROM BLUR! GRAHAM FROM BLUUUUUUUUUUUR!", " GOLDIE! LOOKING! CHAAAAIIIINNN!!!" (I was at a festival ok, don't judge me.)

c) Knowing that I cannot really choose when to go to the toilet without causing hassle makes me want to pee immediately and constantly.

d) This is the worst one. Music sounds crap live. Yes, I said it. Even a live CD is better than a live performance.

e) Theatre acting is just embarrassing.

f) I feel like everyone thinks I'm a perv when people kiss in a play. Even though everyone else is watching too. I once went to a play in a tiny 5 row theatre to support a friend who was starring alongside his girlfriend. Apart from me, there were four other people in the audience and the two stars snogged pretty much the whole way through. This is not my idea of entertainment.